If this isn't your first episode, you have definitely heard us talk about planning for a marriage vs simply planning a wedding. Tune into episode #41 where we go more in depth of what that means to us!
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Welcome back and thanks for tuning in today! Today I am joined by Amanda!
If this isn’t the first time you have read or listened to us at Behind the Party, you have definitely heard us talk about the importance of planning for a marriage vs simply planning a wedding. We wholeheartedly believe that getting married is more than picking out your wedding style & colors. (Although we love to help you do that stuff, too!)
Today, Amanda and I are going in depth about how we tried to start having serious talks with husbands BEFORE we said “I do”. We also chat about actionable ways to start off on the right foot.
Just call me Debbie the Downer 🙁
Hear me out, I think that if we are going to be talking about how to best set your marriage up for success, we should discuss some of the Common Reasons for separation
Health problems or tragedies
Incompatibility: religious beliefs, core values, motivations, where to live - disagreements especially when introducing a child
Lack of equality: one partner feels like they take on more of the responsibility in the marriage
Lack of intimacy: physical or emotional
First, I wanted to ask Amanda some questions in all of her infinite wisdom.
What are the conversations that you started to have with Andy when things got more serious?
Finances, family planning, core values/musts for us, where we want to be in 5, 10, 30 years, planning for emergencies/unknowns,
Andy really pulled back the curtains very early on in the marriage because he had actually been married before. So he kind of just threw it out there. Starting out the relationship with no secrets, everything on the table really started out the relationship with open communication, both feeling like they can be their true authentic selves. Serious conversations right off the bat.
Finances, finantical planning for the future, separate or joint accounts, debt, budgeting, really in depth conversations.
Core values, religious beliefs, amanda went to catholic school, non denominational church, did devotionals in the morning with mom, other hand andy grew up racing dirt bikes on weekends, so most of his services came from a speaker before the races on Sunday. Religious beliefs lined up and their core values lined up.
Family planning: really wanted kids, multiple but as they were talking about it, they discovered that they very much wanted to adopt as well
Is there any advice that really stuck out to you from anyone in particular?
Never leave your HoneyMoon. It doesn’t have to just be a trip. It can be a style of life. Keep going on dates and still have those flirty vibes.
We both discussed things we learned from watching relationships around us and our past and things we would not do, things that are important etc
My notes from learning to live with and communicate with Hunter.
It isn’t me against you, It’s us against the problem.
Learning that there are different ways that people communicate and even fight with each other.
I was more of the shut down, ignored the problem, pretend everything is fine and then explode
Hunter was more of the put it all out in the open, which scared me and made me feel like he was mad at me and sometimes (early in our relationship) would speak off the cuff and seem to regret what he said later
Determine your love language!! - Amanda tell us more
Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch
Higher priority than others, still showing them all of the acts of love.
So obviously our relationships are far different than yours. So the same thing won’t always work for another relationship. You two are unique!! Having conversations based on big issues can help you start your marriage off in the strongest way possible.
Questions to ask to get to know your partner better:
(Brides.com, The New York Times, & my brain)
What are your financial goals?
Is my debt your debt?
Share expenses? Share Bank account?
What is the most you would be willing to spend of a car, couch, shoes or coffee?
Can we do things apart?
How can I help you when you are stressed?
Do you need space, a pep talk
Do you want children? What if it is difficult to get pregnant? Parenting expectations??
Will you change diapers
How do you communicate best?
Do you need time to think and process
Do you say things that you don’t really mean when you are in the heat of a discussion
What are your deal breakers
What is your biggest fear?
How do we deal with in-laws?
Do you even like my parents?
If there is a disagreement, how much time to spend together
What are your expectations on intimacy?
Physical & emotional
What does Marriage Mean to you?
Where do you see us in 10 years from now?
We hope that these little suggestions will help you start to have deep conversations and plan for a happy successful marriage! We are experts on this topic, so reach out to a marriage counselor to get to know each other even better!
If you enjoy this podcast subscribe where you listen! And let us know what you would like to hear from us! Tune in next week when we will be talking about choosing your wedding party.
This Episode hosted by JENNA